the rice pot next door горшочек с рисом по соседству
Cloud Manor
C(hinese)-Novels in E(nglish)
Rice Pot Next Door: Chapters 1 & 2
An overdue ‘hello’ to everyone! I love the humor of Chinese writer 酒小七 Jiu Xiao Qi (fondly known as ‘Seventh Brother’ on the internet) and hope that you will also enjoy her latest novel entitled “The Rice Pot Next Door” as much as I do. This is a modern romance that has no heartbreaking angst, no corporate espionage, no birth secrets… just a sweet story of how one gorgeous associate prof fell in love with one gorgeous car sales woman – or is it the other way around?
The novel has a draggy start, so other than the first 2 chapters below, I’m going to quickly summarize the next few chapters before going into what I feel are the lovely chapters. This will not be word for word translation like Gentleman Free-Floating Cloud and I may not always be able to bring across the jokes (too many phrases that do not have an English equivalent I’m sorry) but I will try my best.
Enjoy the read …. and do pardon my grammar mistakes, if any.
Chapter 1: Chance Meeting
In late spring, the northern sky is a patch of clear blue after being cleansed by a light drizzle.
Lan Shan (蓝衫, literal translation “blue shirt”) is meeting her friend Xiao You Cai (小油菜 literal translation “Little Rapeseed Plant”) to check out the newest exhibition in town. Traffic is bad and Lan Shan is relieved that she has chosen to walk, rather than take a bus or train to the venue when she sees the crawling traffic.
A cab next to her touts its horn and its young driver starts flirting with Lan Shan. She puts him down and threw a pebble at his window when he shows no sign of stopping. Thwarted, the cabbie slinks back to his car while Lan Shan continues her journey with a pretty toss of her head.
The exhibition venue is pretty big and is divided into several halls. They reach Hall D which features “Sex Toys”, which is again very big and subdivided into several zones. As they marvel over some of the stuff of display, the 2 can’t help but be amazed at the lack of (lower) boundaries of human creativity. They are not able to recognize some of the stuff but can generally figure out its usage after a vigorous round of brainstorming.
Then they reached the inflatable dolls section.
Lan Shan is surprised to find out that there are non-inflatable dolls in addition to inflatable dolls. Plus, non-inflatable dolls are generally more expensive than their inflatable cousins.
There are also some dolls that look really real. So real in fact, they can pass off as real people. Xiao You Cai points to a doll in a sexy pose at one corner and gushes indignantly: “Lan Shan, look! That doll cost RMB99,800! If someone has that kind of money to burn, why does that person need to buy this?”
As Lan Shan walks over to take a closer look at the doll’s boobs, another doll caught her attention. This doll is sitting on a chair and is dressed in white shirt and brown pants. Its hair is cut very short and framed its face neatly. Its eyelids are lowered as if in thought. The doll looks fantastically real and if not for its blank glaze, she would have thought that this is a real person.
Come to think of it, there is no way a real person would look so pretty. Xiao You Cai has discovered the doll too and she shook Lan Shan’s shoulder vigorously. “It is a man doll! Aw, they actually make man dolls?”
Xiao You Cai drags Lan Shan to the doll which looks even better up close. Its skin is very fair – not a plasticky hue but more like natural beige. Its features are very detailed with a high nose; clear, arched brows; thick, dark lashes. Siting in the dark corner, the doll’s serenity is worthy of a masterpiece that is crafted stroke after meticulous stroke in order to achieve such perfection.
But not matter how good it looks, it is still a fake. Coming back to reality, Lan Shan touches her chin and admires the doll quietly.
Xiao You Cai is confused. “Lan Shan, do you think this is a real man?” Among all the beautiful ‘babes’, why is there suddenly a handsome’ dude’? Or is this meant for the female market? Hmm…
Lan Shan does not know which wire in her brain circuit is crossed wrongly. She reaches out to stroke the doll’s chin and leers. “It looks so pretty, it must be a toy boy!”
Something flickers in the gaze of “toy boy” but the 2 ladies are busy talking and miss the reaction. Curious over the doll’s sexuality, Xiao You Cai touches the front of its pants to see if she can feel anything. Because the shirt was let out instead of tucked in, it is really hard to tell if there is anything underneath with the doll seated down…
Lan Shan fingers the doll’s chin – the texture feels pretty good– and she goes on to stroke its face. “I say Xiao You Cai, technology is really advanced these days. Its face is even warm! Why not you buy one of these and use it to party till dawn? How does that sound?”
Xiao You Cai is still busy with her exploration. “Let me confirm if it has a ‘handle’ first. It will not do to cart a female doll home!”
Lan Shan: “That’s easy. Why don’t you simply take off his pants and check?”
Truth be told, this thought has crossed Xiao You Cai’s mind but it is embarrassing to undress a doll in public. Even a doll should have its pride. Nonetheless, she takes a quick look around and saw that there is no one.
Actually, there are supposed to be some sales assistants. But they have all left to gawk at some starlet who has arrived…
Xiao You Cai is indignant about the lack of professionalism and seriously thought about pulling off the doll’s pants when she suddenly heard a male voice coming from very nearby “How can you do such a thing?!”
Xiao You Cai is very excited! “Lan Shan, look! The doll can talk! Ha, ha, ha! It can actually make sounds!”
Lan Shan is so shocked she cannot reply. Xiao You Cai only heard it “talk” but she can see that the ‘doll’ is moving! and ‘It’ is trying to avoid her touch!
And the eyes! She can suddenly see the life in them. In fact, ‘its’ brows are furrowed and ‘it’ is looking at her with censure. No matter how advance technology is, there is no way it can achieve such a high degree of reality.
What kind of a devil is this…
Said Xiao You Cai: “Lan Shan, I have decided. I shall let you have the honor of removing its pants!”
Lan Shan can only think of running away. But before she can gather her wits, she saw ‘it’, no, it should be ‘he’… trying to stand up. Because of the sudden movement, his chair is being pushed backwards and makes an ominous scratching sound.
His face is black like thunder and Xiao You Cai falls backwards onto the floor in fright.
Helping her to her feet, Lan Shan quickly gushes out an apology. “We are sorry! We are sorry! We are wrong to have interrupted you. Please… continue to shop around. Hee.hee…”
And she drags Xiao You Cai away.
Chapter 2: Revenge
Qiao Feng (乔风, same name as the famous Beggar Sect Leader in Louis Cha’s novel “Demi Gods and Semi Demons”) cannot believe that there are such blatant, female hooligans around who would dare molest a man in broad daylight. In broad daylight at a crowded, international exhibition no less.
He is here for a blind date – some girl dabbling in arts – but she is late due to traffic jam. He remembers feeling bored and has decided to check out the exhibition. As he is walking, his mind wonders to an interesting topic totally unrelated to the topic of the exhibition and he is grateful to find a chair to rest and ponders more on the subject…
And get really lost in thought.
Forgot to mention, Qiao Feng is an associate professor in quantum physics
And next thing he knows, he is being molested by 2 she-wolves attempting to take off his pants. Gathering his wits, he looks around at the dolls surrounding him and figures what she-wolf #1 means when she tells him to continue “shop around” and quickly left the dolls section in embarrassment.
When he finally meets up with his date, they decided to go for lunch and the girl starts to quiz him with the usual questions. What do his parents do for a living? Does he have any siblings? Does he own a car? Does he own his house or is it financed?
The girl thinks to herself that he barely passes all the essentials, but given his outstandingly handsome look… let’s find out more!
As they toured the exhibition, she is pleased to note that his eyes do not linger on the many sexy models or objects on display (Qiao Feng thinks that when a woman is scantily dressed, it is rude to stare). He has really pretty eyes, clear, black iris.. and his glance is very steady. Whenever he looks at her, his intentness makes her feel as if she is soaked in a pool of warm water.
And he listens patiently to her opinion on Foucault, Derrida, etc. Thinking that he may find the subject boring, she smiles at him coquettishly “Do you feel bored when I keep talking about the arts?”
“No. What you said is quite interesting. Do tell me more on what you think about Jean-François Lyotard, Jürgen Habermas, Paul Karl Feyerabend.”
Is this guy really a physics teacher? The girl is no longer so certain about her initial assessment. Qiao Feng changes the topic to cultural revival but something seems to have changed and conversation no longer flows smoothly between them.
Qiao Feng seems quite accustomed to such situations and is not the least bit concerned. They continue to walk he get distracted by some fine porcelain on display, followed some rare ancient paintings.
When they were near the exit, he spotted the 2 she-wolves whacking each other with a giant foam x [note from Moonblossom: I’m going to assume ‘x’ means a giant foam penis here]. Looking at the giant advertising screen above their heads, he took out his phone.
1 minute and 30 seconds later, he checks back at the big screen.
His date asks softly “Why are you ignoring me?”
“Huh? I beg your pardon. What did you say?”
“I said, these girls are so bold!”
“Yes, they are pretty bold.”
The atmosphere in the hall has changed and there seem to be a collected bout of murmurings and pointing fingers. Qiao Feng wastes no time to admire his handiwork and says to his date “Let us go.”
On the big screen, the original advertisement has been replaced with a video clip of 2 ladies engaging in a lewd battle. When Xiao You Cai sees the big screen, she shouts to her friend “Lan Shan! Look! There are 2 whackos fighting on screen!”
When Lan Shan realizes they are the said whackos on the screen, she grabs Xiao You Cai and sprints for the exit. In her haste, she steps on a flyer and fell, landing on her shoulder and spraining her neck in the process. As they continue towards the exit, the 2 attracted many eyeballs with their disheveled looks.
When they manage to flag a cab, the driver sees Lan Shan clutching her neck and asks if she is ok?
Xiao You Cai: “Gosh, I rather not bring it up! Mr Driver, can you help to send us to the hospital please?”
The driver agreed and as they meandered through the heavy traffic, Xiao You Cai notices their driver’s strange pallor.
Xiao You Cai: “Mr Driver, you seem to have a dark shadow on your forehead*. It seems to be turning …green?” So green, in fact, that she believes it is going to start sprouting leaves soon.
“Miss has no need to worry. I am not being harassed by ghosts, just a jinx. I met a pretty girl this morning and when I tried to chat with her, who would guess that the gal has a fierce temper and threw a pebble at me!”
“Wow, that must be some gal!”
“It is not a big deal actually, except for the bruise. But it did affect my business and several potential customers change their mind about boarding my cab when they see my forehead.”
Xiao You Cai is tickled pink at the way he recounts his tale and the driver continues to say that if that girl dares board his cab, he will drive her to the deserted outskirts, drop her off, and let her walk back to civilization.
“Aw…What if she meets a bad guy?”
“No worries, I’ll follow her discreetly from behind.”
And the 2 broke into laughter.
And Lan Shan pulls more hair over her face and sinks deeper into her seat.
*usually used to describe someone who is being harassed by a spirit or ghost
Cloud Manor
C(hinese)-Novels in E(nglish)
Rice Pot Next Door: Chapters 41 & 42
Chapter 41: The Past
Although Sheng Yu has assumed that Su Luo is in no danger, it is nonetheless a challenge getting her out of water no thanks to her bridesmaid costume. Her layered dress may be pretty to look at, but its absorption power is pretty awesome too.
Yang Xiao Xiu is not a macho man to begin with and when he has to fish a maiden wrapped in a sodden blanket out of water…. it really is no mean feat! Thankfully, they are not far from the side of the pool, and with the help of a rope that someone threw in, they finally got out of the water.
Because it is summer. Su Luo has worn a dress made of thin fabric. Once wet, the dress becomes near transparent and Lan Shan can see her skin-colored bra beneath. The bra pushes up her curves nicely but it also accentuated her near-nakedness and everyone who has gathered fall into an awkward silence.
One of her shoe is floating in the pool while another shoe is on her feet. As the water sloshes down her dress, it converges on the feet with her shoe. Shhhh…… the sound of trickling water is not unlike someone pissing which is clearly audible in the silence. Lan Shan presses her lips to stop herself from smirking as she thinks Su Luo can continue passing out water for a long time with that inflated ‘bladder’ of hers.
Su Luo keeps her head lowered as her face flames up in a mixture of anger and embarrassment. While Madam Yang lead some female guests to help squeeze the water out of her dress, QIao Feng walks over. “Su Luo. So sorry.”
Great, now everyone in the crowd has a name to match the face. If Lan Shan does not know Qiao Feng before this, she would have thought that he is doing this on purpose. As for Su Luo, she glares at Qiao Feng. “I do not wish to see you right now.”
Since she has said so explicitly, Qiao Feng gets ready to leave with Lan Shan. As they bid farewell to their host, Sheng Yu says icily: “Miss Lan, what is pass has passed. But your causing trouble with your current boyfriend at your ex-boyfriend’s wedding is not appropriate, is it not?”
Lan Shan returns equally coolly. “I am the one who have learnt something new today. I have never seen a bride helping her good friend to the extent of harassing her guest’s boyfriend at her own wedding.” Being is the suspicious sort, Lan Shan does not believe that someone knocking into her, dirtying her dress, bumping into Sheng Yu and finally meeting Su Luo with Qiao Feng at the pool is a coincidence.
Sheng Yu is indignant on her friend’s behalf that such a piece of crap can get the attention of 2 good catches like Song Zi Cheng and turns to Qiao Feng. “Mr Qiao, you best keep a close watch on your girlfriend. She is such a clever and alluring woman, there must be lots of men interested in her.”
Qiao Feng nods sincerely. “I will. Thank you for your reminder.”
With her provocation being dismissed, there is nothing much more Sheng Yu can say. As they leave the wedding, Lan Shan starts to ask Qiao Feng. “I say, do you know Su Luo beforehand?”
Qiao Feng nods expressionlessly. “Yes, we met when I was studying abroad.”
“Hump! Why do I find it hard to believe? Isn’t the world a bit too small? And why did you not recognize her at the beginning.”
“I have not seen her for several years. With the distance and her make-up, it is not surprising that I did not recognize her at first.”
Although she nods at his reply, Lan Shan still finds the situation weird as Su Luo’s behavior does not suggest a casual relationship between the two. Otherwise, why would she want to hug him the moment she sees him? Is it simply a matter of being unable to suppress her emotions or is the woman desperate?
A woman’s intuition is hard to explain but Lan Shan is suddenly reminded of someone. That someone has sent Qiao Feng a picture of a bowl of noodles, is insistent to reminisce about the past, and wants to meet up with Qiao Feng although they have broken up. Lan Shan props her chin on a finger as she tries to recall. “Car…Car…”
“Yes, yes! That is whom I am referring to. Is there any relation between Su Luo and Carina?”
He nods. “Yes. Su Luo and Carina are the same person.”
Although he has confirmed her suspicion, Lan Shan can’t help feeling a bit surprised. My god, the world is really too small. Are there are not enough actors to go around in a story to the extent that one woman has to be “Su Luo” one moment and “Carina” the next?
To think she has sympathize with the woman for her seeming steadfastness to Song Zi Cheng How can she u-turn around so suddenly to want to fan up the old flames with Qiao Feng the next? Seems like she is not such an unapproachable goddess after all. Thinking through the situation again, she looks seriously at Qiao Feng. “Are things really so simple between you two that you have only “met each other”? You have even cooked noodles for her.”
Qiao Feng stops and looks at her. “Lan Shan, on what basis are you questioning me about my past?”
Lan Shan purses her lips. “Fine, I will stop asking. Who cares to know anyway!”
Qiao Feng is started by her reply but does not rebut. Although the subject is closed, Lan Shan has more or less guessed that Su Luo has regretted leaving Qiao Feng now. If so, Song Zi Cheng seems a bit superfluous. Is the woman trying to hook one man while her heart is with another? If so, her acting is a bit too darn good.
When they reach their apartment, Lan Shan goes straight to Qiao Feng’s refrigerator to help herself to some chilled watermelon to help dispel the heat. She cut half a watermelon which she proceeds to eat using a spoon and passes the remaining half to Qiao Feng. Qiao Feng finds her eating method too uncivilized and cuts his half into bite-size pieces before eating.
Schrödinger strolls into the kitchen and jumps onto the countertop to drink water. He is a clever cat and knows how to on the tap before placing his mouth below tap to drink its fill. Unfortunately, his body is a little short and it is not easy for him to maneuver himself under the tap. Even when he manages to find the right spot, his face is a tad big and he ends up with his whole head under the running water which causes Lan Shan to laugh out loud. “Ha.ha.ha!”
Qiao Feng does not look up from his chopping board. “Normally, cats will bend their head to eat or drink, just like dogs. But if it does not have a mother to teach them that when they are young, they will not know how to drink water properly when they are grown. Schrödinger must have been an orphan when he is young.”
Lan Shan stops laughing and picks up Schrödinger to rub her face against his head. “You poor thing!” Schrödinger doesn’t like her cuddling and tries to move away. He meows as if to say “I am drinking water. Get away from me!”
Qiao Feng wants to give him a piece of watermelon to console him. When he looks up, he can see that Schrödinger is trying to push Lan Shan away with his paw against her breast which look…. rather springy. Embarrassed, he lowers his head and hides his discomfort with a cough.
At this time, someone calls Lan Shan at her handphone and she puts down Schrödinger to pick up her call at the living room.
“Hello, Boss? You are looking for me?”
Back at the kitchen, Qiao Feng puts down his knife and crocked his ears.
Chapter 42: Invitation
When Song Zi Cheng hears Lan Shan’s voice at the other end, his starts casually. “You sound like you are in a good mood.”
“Hm, I am feeling rather happy when I see a couple of lunatics eating their just desserts.” When she bits back the words that his ex-girlfriend is one of the lunatics, she can’t help tilting back her head. “Ha.Ha.Ha!”
Her laughter has the effect of making Song Zi Cheng happy and he continues lightly. “You should respect lunatics too you know.”
Lan Shan finds his quip funny and after getting her laughter in check, asks: “Why are you looking for me Boss?”
“You mean I cannot look for you if there is no reason?”
Lan Shan cannot guess his true meaning so she glosses over his question with more laughter until Song Zi Cheng cuts to the chase. “A friend of mine has given me too much chocolates. Since I can neither finish it, nor find enough people to give it away and since I am near your house, can you come down so that I can offload some of it to you?”
Chocolate? Lan Shan licks her lips unconsciously but shakes her head. “That will not do. Why not you give them to someone else?”
Song Zi Cheng says a little impatiently. “I have already tried my best to give them away and since I am in your area, I thought you may appreciate some. But if you do not want them, I think I will just throw them away.”
“No, no!” Lan Shan knows that money is not something worthy of consideration to the rich and since Boss is the first to bring this up, surely he will not think expect her to return this favour? “Ok, I’ll take them. Where are you now Boss?”
“I am near the entrance to your street.”
“That is great. I’ll be down shortly.”
Putting down her phone, Lan Shan starts to change her shoes. Qiao Feng comes out from the kitchen still holding his knife. “What are you doing?”
“My Boss wants to give me some chocolates and is waiting for me downstairs.”
“Don’t worry. His friend has given him too much chocolates and he is only giving them to me because he has ran out of people to give. If I do not take, the chocolates will be wasted. Besides, it is only some candies and does not constitute any favors.” She finishes putting on her shoes and dash out of the door.
Something like annoyance flashes across Qiao Feng’s eyes. “And you will follow whoever who offers you food?” His only reply is the sound of the door closing.
When Lan Shan gets to road in front of her apartment, Song Zi Cheng is already there. She is a little apologetic to have kept him waiting since he here with a gift for her and besides, he is her Boss. When she approaches his car, Song Zi Cheng gets down and opens his boot and Lan Shan is amazed to see the assortment of chocolate in there. No wonder he is so insistent that she takes some. She sighs. “Boss, is your friend a chocolate wholesaler?”
She sighs again. “I wish I have a friend like this too.”
Song Zi Cheng finds her answer a little laughable but he points inside his boot. “You can take all if you want.”
Lan Shan turns down his idea as that would make her appear too greedy. Looking at all the English print which she is not familiar with, Lan Shan finally chooses a box that resembles dark chocolate and thanks him. Song Zi Cheng passes her several more boxes and adds one last box of pink, heart-shaped candies at the top. “I am going to throw all these away if you don’t take them so don’t stand on ceremony with me.”
Lan Shan do not know whether to laugh or to cry. “Enough, enough! Boss, I don’t think I can carry any more!”
Song Zi Cheng dusts his hands and closes the cover of his boot. “It is ok to eat sweets you know, so long as you take care to brush your teeth after eating them.”
“I am going to grow fat if I finish all these chocolates!”
“You will look more adorable if you are rounder.”
Lan Shan lifts a brow and observes him. But he is getting into his car as if it is just a throwaway remark. Hmm, maybe she is being too sensitive. When Song Zi Cheng turns to her and says “I’m off now.” Lan Shan returns with a smile. “Boss, do you want to come up to my place for some tea?”
Song Zi Cheng puts a hand to his car door and says with a touch of impatience. “No thanks, I still have something on.”
Lan Shan heaves an invisible sigh of relief and starts to feel guilty. She is too sensitive and Boss has proven that he is not after anything from her. Holding on to her boxes, she smiles and bids her farewell, as she watches him drives off.
It is only after she has disappeared from his rear mirror that Song Zi Cheng takes a deep breath and grips his steering wheel tightly. With this woman, he is treading carefully with each word, each step. Looking back, he has never vested so much effort, not even when he was chasing after Su Luo. Although Su Luo looks unapproachable, she still has weaknesses he can work on. Lan Shan, on the other hand, looks friendly on the surface but she is literally impervious to all sorts of approach.
He knows that she has not have another boyfriend after Yang Xiao Xiu. With her looks, it cannot be due to a shortage of suitors so the only reasonable explanation is that she has rejected everyone who has tried to pursue her. When he tried to find out more from her superior, he has learnt that she has served many rich customers in the past but she has never entertain any thoughts to them outside of work, nor has she ever given any customer false hopes.
Let’s hope she is straight…..
While Song Zi Cheng is trying to pull back his wayward thoughts, Lan Shan is knocking on Qiao Feng doors with her hands full. Qiao Feng opens the door for her but ignores her once she is through the door. When she invites him to eat some chocolates, Qiao Feng replies expressionlessly. “I am not eating.”
“Alright.” Lan Shan pouts. “I thought you like sweets.”
“I am not so childish.”
“Fine, fine, you are a really mature, macho man.” Contrarily to her words, Lan Shan is laughing to herself deep down. Which mature man eats cotton candy and plays with transformers? Opening a box of chocolates, she starts to munch happily. Spying food, Schrödinger scoots closer and sniff the sweets as if asking to share.
Qiao Feng walks over and plucks him away. “Cats cannot eat chocolates.”
Finding it lonely to be the only eating, Lan Shan pushes the chocolates to him. “Come, try some.”
“Chocolates have four times more calories than rice. You have eaten 2 chocolates which means you have eaten 1 bowl of rice. Congratulations, continue like this and you will successfully gain 2kg by end of this month.”
Lan Shan is quick to apply what she has learnt. “I will look more adorable when rounder.”
Qiao Feng gives her a fleeting smile. “Don’t be naïve. Fat is the natural enemy of Beauty.”
“You….” Lan Shan closes her box. “Fine, fine. I will eat one piece a day then. Can I keep the chocolates at your place?”
“Take them away. I do not want to see them nor do I want Schrödinger to see them.” Lan Shan cannot fathom what is Little Genius so hang up about but she packs her box obediently. “Fine, fine, I will take it with me. Really, what is wrong with you?”
Qiao Feng nods. “Wait, you should quench your thirst first. Come and finish your watermelon.” He is not going to tell her that half a watermelon has the equivalent calories of 1 bowl of rice too.
Comments from Moonblossom:
Firstly, thank you Su Luo and Sheng Yu for trying to make waves in the last few chapters. Please continue to make more since you will only end up getting yourself in deep waters – and I love deep waters. I am quite sure Su Luo = Carina = Qiao Feng’s ex-girlfriend although at this stage, it is not clear if she cheated on Qiao Feng with Song Zi Cheng or the other way round.
Although I like Qiao Feng, I also like the way Song Zi Cheng approaches Lan Shan. He is very careful to hide his interest and I hate to say this, but I agree with his approach. For some reason, Lan Shan distrusts man and allows no one to get close. Qiao Feng is really fortunate that he cooks well and that she believes him to be gay, otherwise, I think she will also barricade him out of her life like all the other men she has met. Song Zi Cheng, jia you (work harder)！